April 12th, 2011
Spring is upon us. Love is in the air, but you can’t inhale any of it due to the seven months of grime that’s accumulated on your ceiling fan.
Sure, living in abject filth has its small rewards. It can be nice to blindly plunge a hand into one of your bedside piles and retrieve a forgotten treat (an unwrapped Ho-Ho, perhaps, or a long-lost relative), but this is a time of re-birth. Regeneration. Flowers, and the like.
So! This month we’ve compiled a list of great ideas to help you out of the dusty winter blues. No problem if you’ve never undertaken such a daunting task; we’re here to help with practical cleaning tips that even someone who’s never seen a bar of soap can handle. What are you waiting for? Grab a broom and start riding it around like a horse!
Walk of Sham
If you live with a binge drinker, this one’s for you. While the roommate is sleeping off a bender, spread German chocolate cake frosting all over the toilet seat. Cover the soles of your roommate’s shoes in the frosting, and leave foot prints leading from the bathroom to his bedroom. With the aid of a broom stick, or a really tall friend, put chocolaty footprints above his bed. Demand that he clean the entire house and pay all of the utilities that month. Leave him to wonder how he trekked poo all over his ceiling. Bonus points if he finds Jesus and begins attending AA meetings.
Here’s one for the smokers: Why sweep when you and the housemates can plop on the floor to make ash angels? Little ash men with pipes? Meta. How about ash-ball fights, followed by laughter and cocoa?
Piles of laundry stacked to the ceiling? It’s getting warmer and warmer each day; pretty soon you’ll have completely forgotten what it’s like to shiver yourself to sleep on a pile of hot embers after torching all of your previous semester’s projects just to stay warm. The point is, you can literally cut your laundry load in half. Grab a pair of scissors and with a few snips turn all of your long pants into shorts, all of your jackets into vests. While you’re at it, give yourself a haircut. You look like an idiot.
Old pizza boxes are extremely handy if you ever need to make a shield for paper towel roll jousting.
And while you’re at it, why not joust with actual horses in your living space? Put floor buffers on their hooves, pillows/feather dusters on their bodies, and amphetamines in their feedbag.
The easiest way to avoid having to clean is to never make a mess in the first place. The easiest way to never make a mess is to make all of your belongings really hard to reach.
Clean all counter tops, tables, and shelves first (before moving on to floor mopping/vacuuming). That way, all dust and crumbs that fall to the ground can be swept up when you move on to the next phase of cleaning. … Isn’t that hilarious!?
Just Like Mom
Comet, and good old fashioned elbow grease.
And … a temporary mom for hire, who will be brought in for the day just to tidy up, fill you with marshmallow squares and cocoa, and reprimand you for making art. For those from the suburbs, substitute “temporary” with “actual.”
People love free crap. Seriously, they will come take your crap if you post it on craigslist.org as “FREE IN ALLEY: CRAP” and include your address. So imagine how excited they will be to get a crack at crap’s fancy cousin, junk. Take all that clutter of yours and toss it out the window. Post it on Craigslist and enjoy the rest of your junk-free day. One thing we like to do after we’ve cleared our day (and our rooms) is browse Craigslist for sweet deals. The only thing more exciting than Spring Cleaning is Spring Decorating!!
Temporary (actual) aunt to entertain temporary (actual) mom, and help with cleaning.