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By Eric Baskauskas and Brandon Kosters

Home invasion and burglary are no laughing matter. Not even if we’re talking about Macaulay Caulkin smashing Joe Pesci in the head with a paint can. The cops are not going to respond to your burglar alarm. The fire marshall will not allow you to barricade yourself in your house, so forget about bars on the windows. You’d probably have to go to Michigan to get a gun. The only thing more dangerous than guns is Michigan itself.

What are we to do?

Take it from F: To defeat petty theft, you must think like a criminal mastermind. As many of us head elsewhere for the holidays, leaving apartments empty for a spell, here are some tips for protecting yourself from any unwelcome guests while you’re away for the holidays.

1. Cat in the Sack

Sometimes burglars will swipe one of your backpacks and only steal items from your home that they can conceal within the backpack.

This is why you must strategically place backpacks in plain sight throughout your house that are filled with hungry, horny, feral cats with ringworm.
 
1b. Bigger than Jesus

Stealing stuff that fits in a backpack helps crooks avoid the suspicious glances from meddling neighbor types — large awkward items such as televisions aren’t viable for the smash-and-grab lifestyle.

Of course, this means that you should ONLY own large awkward items. If you must own lots of small, valuable things, glue them together into one huge, unmanageable mass. Should you ever find yourself robbed, just find the guy rolling the giant ball of electronics down the street and you’ve got your culprit. Throw your television at him.

2. One Man’s Trash is … Another Man’s Trash

Put all of your garbage in bags with dollar signs on them. Keep them inside a vault in your living room that has been left wide open. They’ll think that you were being negligent. You’ll know that you are actually a genius, and just got the trash taken out for free. If they come back angry, tip them generously.

3. WWMD (What Would
Macauly Do)?

Bucket of honey over your front door on the inside. String on door that opens a cage. Hungry, horny grizzly bear inside of cage.

In an ideal situation, this would be a bear that you’ve trained since its infancy. A bear that loves and respects you as much as any grizzly bear can.

But remember: A grizzly bear can only ever love you so much.
 
4. Donate Everything to Charity

Because what you no longer own cannot be stolen.
 
5. Wrap it Up

Put condoms on everything you want to keep safe. EVERYTHING.
 
6. You’re an Artist, Right?

With manufactured goods becoming smaller and smaller, and more and more expensive, theft is becoming easier and easier. No fuss, no muss. Bring back both the fuss and the muss.
Every time you leave your house, apply a thick coat of oil paint to the surfaces of your belongings. They may get away with your stuff, but they’re going to need to stop at the drycleaners on the way to the pawn shop.
 
7. Food Coma

Hire a private chef to keep the buffet line full. Next time someone breaks in, he’ll be treated to a spread the likes of which he’s only ever dreamt. When you get home, he’ll be asleep on your couch with cherry cobbler all over his T-shirt. Call him a cab and get back to playing your freshly not-stolen X-Box. Try the lobster bisque!

8. Robin Williams’ Saggy Boobies

Take it from Chris Brown: there is such a thing as bad publicity. What you want is the kind of word of mouth circulating among crooks that will deter them from stopping by. When you leave the house, hide everything you own except for the full Loverboy discography, and 47 copies of “Mrs. Doubtfire” on VHS.
 
9. Grandma Knows Best

Store all of your JEWELRY in a BOX. They’ll never find anything!
 
10. Burn Your House Down
 
11. I’m out of ideas
 
12. Oh wait, how about
this one: Art Sale

The hardest part of being an artist is getting your work out there. It’s hard to find a market in a world flooded with work. Ever desperately exclaim to yourself, “I can’t even GIVE this stuff away!”?
 
A-ha! Take all of your nice things and affix post-it notes: “art project” .. that should keep people nice and distant.
 

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