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My F’ing Advice

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October’s advice covers “missed connections,” polyamorous dating, and kitty cats

Dear Natalie,
I am trying to have the most fun possible by dating three women at one time, but I can’t figure out how to schedule my time and keep it a secret (I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but it’s nothing serious anyway, so I don’t know if they would be mad, but I’ve heard it’s best to err on the side of kindness). I can see myself dating more than three women at once, so I’d like to do that if you can figure that out too.
-So Achey In my Crotch

Dear SAIC,

I feel your pain. It is difficult to maintain three relationships at one time. You’ve probably got to dump someone. And dating three people at once is a great way to practice dumping people in the future. Ladies are not a buffet, friend, and you should really focus on one thing at a time, though I surmise that you are of the multi-tasking generation: drinking, driving, texting, blow-job-receiving. I know how you kids are. But the truth is: if you’re dating three people at once, that means you aren’t getting what you need out of one person, and as long as the three people know that they are only a piece of the puzzle that fulfills your needs, you should be fine. To tell the truth though, it’s like if you go to H&M and spend 100 dollars on a bunch of shitty clothes instead of going to Macy’s and spending your money on a quality, classic piece of clothing. The quality piece of clothing will last longer, but, of course, you can get a lot of trendy shit for cheap at H&M and dispose of it in a couple of months when it falls apart. For me, it’s all about quality.

Dear Natalie,
First, I’ve missed your column for SO LONG. I spent all summer pining for your advice. Anyway, my cat isn’t showing enough affection to me, and it’s really making me mad. How do I make my cat like me more?
-So Anyway, It’s my Cat

Dear SAIC,
Cats are known for their persnickitiness; it’s hard to get affection from a cat. Maybe you should get a dog, but dogs are stupid and eat their own shit and have to be coddled, so if you like that kind of thing, get a dog or just have a baby already. But seriously, if you want your cat to like you, you have a couple of easy options. You probably have the kind of cat that likes to stir up trouble, don’t you?

1. Get a prescription pill bottle and fill it with a couple black beans. You can use any kind of bean, but I find black beans to be sturdiest. Not that I tested any other beans. Then put the pill bottle on a counter top, and act like it’s really important. Whenever your cat knocks the bottle over pick it up and act like you’re mad, put it back where you found it. Easy, right? Don’t forget to let your aloof kitty knock it around on the floor a little bit before you lightly huff and puff at him. This is a fun game, remember?

2. I hate to break it to you, but your cats needs wet food. Wet food is an orgy of animal parts that your cat will go bonkers for, however, it smells bad, and the texture is disgusting. Plus, no one likes cleaning the crusty meat pebbles out of a tiny dish. I had a pet doctor tell me once that wet food is better for your cat’s gums and teeth anyway. The “doctor” said that giving your cat hard food every day is like you eating Captain Crunch constantly every day all the time. But don’t feed your cat when you wake up in the morning or you’ll never be able to sleep in again.

3. If you’re really desperate, you can get a cat therapist. They make those. I don’t know where to get one, but there’s a cat version of that Dog Whisperer fella lurking in this city somewhere. I heard she was going to have a show on Animal Planet, but I haven’t seen it. You’ll drop some cash, but you’ve already sunk enough money into the damned thing anyway, right?

Dear Natalie,
Why doesn’t anybody ever respond to my missed connections?
-So Alone In Chicag

Dear SAIC,
It’s because you’re placing a missed connections ad, and the only people that read those ads on craigslist are married people making fun of single people, and trolls. Also, it’s hard to tell if you’re the person mentioned in the ad, so people get nervous to contact you, and anyway, when they do contact you, you won’t believe it’s them. It’s not really THAT complicated. Just talk to the person. Go up to them in real life and say, “Hey buddy, do you want to go to my house later and have sex?” and the buddy will be all, “I guess. But I have to call my mom first and say I’m not going to the suburbs to visit her.” And then you will have sex.

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