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My F’ing Advice

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Advice for newbies and nobodies

Back to school and all of that. Yippedee Skipedee Doo. Some of you are newbies, some are oldies but goodies, just like on that annoying oldies station your mom made you listen to, but all of you can stand for a little improvement through my advicearoos. This month we tackle tiny things like, oh, I don’t know, LIVING and LOVING and SOCIALIZING, so if you do any of those things, perk ye olde timey ears up and read this aloud to yourself. Maybe someone walking by will be all “Oh, that sounds interesting, what a brilliant writer that person is reading,” and then they’ll come over and you’ll make a new friend.

I just moved to town and have some things I need to figure out. Back home I knew where I could get drugs, and then I knew where to find a piece of tail too. I also knew where to get cheap groceries and a good hangover meal. What’s a newbie to do in Chicago?
– Single Adult In Chicago

Fear not, SAIC, I know the answers to the questions you ask. For a good hangover meal, head to the Pheonix in China Town. Dim Sum cures what ails you (unless you don’t eat meat), and puts you right back to sleep where you need to be. Alternatively, you can treat yourself to some Pho at Tank in the Argyle neighborhood. If you’re looking for something on the healthy side, treat yourself to some food at the Flying Saucer (cash only!) in the Humboldt Park hood, or head over to the only certified organic bakery in the country, Bleeding Heart Bakery. They will cure what ails you and they have many a vegetarian option, as does the Saucer.
For cheap groceries, bypass the allure of the creepily bare-bones Aldi and duck into the nearest Mexican or polish grocery store you can find. Cheap produce, cheap meats and the occasional taco cart make the Aldi look as interesting as, well, an Aldi?
To meet some peeps, treat yourself to a Monday night dance-a-thon every third Monday of the month at Chances Dances at Subterranean in Wicker Park. It’s a self-described “attempt to bring together the factionalized LGBTIQ communities, cliques, or otherwise grouped-apart queers of Chicago,” though all genders are welcome. Plus the DJ is super fun and awesome. So you should go to it.
Also, you could go to anything at Roots and Culture gallery, which has something to do constantly through the fall and winter, so check out their website at rootsandculturecac.org. There’s always coffee shops and other lame things to do, but why not go mingle with the fun crowd? Get some culture up in yas, too.
For drugs, basically hang out in the dorms, or use the chicagocrime.org’s Citizen’s ICAM to find the bulk of drug trafficking activity in your neighborhood. Anywhere you see a blue triangle is a hotspot for your drug needs. That should be safe!

I’m dating this person that I really want to dump badly. She really sucks and cheated on me in Prague with some Euro-Douche, but hasn’t gotten home yet. What’s the best way to dump her so I can get on with my life instead of waiting until she returns?
– Super Anxious to Interrupt Coitus

Thanks to the glut of technology available to the daters of 2007, there are many ways to dump someone that can leave them emotionally maimed for years to come. While tried and true methods, like sleeping with the person’s best friend or boss, smashing all their potted plants against their front door, and personally dumping them with all your friends present and then showing up at their house drunk later to give them a three-CD-set of heartbreaking ballads that will ruin most of their favorite bands for them, are useful and traumatic, they take time, planning, and effort, and don’t fare well if the person is overseas. This is 2007, friends, and we let technology work for us, lest we forget and overextend ourselves. My advice to you, SAIC, is to choose your favorite mode of technology and exploit the unique features inherent to its framework. If you choose text message, you have the chance to overstate the distance between you and the significant other you’re trying to dodge. Carefully chosen misspellings can convey your disinterest in the person more powerfully than ignoring them in an empty elevator. Text message is, in my opinion the quickest way to burn a bridge, because if you text, they won’t call you back. At most you’ll get a text back or an email. If you’re using email for breaking up purposes, however, you can utilize space to your advantage. Enlist the help of a writer friend to help you express your distaste for the previously adored. Use words like “duplicitous” (which was used on me in 2003), or other big-sounding character-judging words. Not only will these words impress the individual mid-dump, they will make you sound superior to them. And isn’t that was this is all about?

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