Worst Case Scenario
How to survive figure drawing class with no charcoal
If you find yourself in a figure drawing class
If for some ungodly reason the easels have been cleaned, don’t
panic. Simply use your trusty folded piece of paper and, squatting,
push it in front of yourself as if you were a snowplow. Whether
you’re in the Sharp or Columbus Drive building, it doesn’t
matter, because either way you will be surrounded by at least
150 years worth of charcoal on the floors. If your teacher
asks what the hell you’re doing, you can always play
the “utilizing found materials” card.
and realize to your horror you’ve forgotten your charcoal,
never fear: a trip to Utrecht is unnecessary.
Your best bet, by far, will be the easels — your fellow
students have undoubtedly been very generous in leaving piles
of charcoal dust (and sometimes even whole pieces) on the
easels’ ledges from the past week. Simply take a small
piece of brown kraft paper and sweep the dust onto it.
Dealing with winter
So you’ve decided to leave the sunny skies and hot weather
of your hometown in the South to come to Chicago, where there
is a season known as “winter.” As the months wear
on and December approaches, you will notice the inhabitants
of the city gradually growing larger and larger. Do not be
afraid, they are simply wearing more clothes. Fight the urge
to poke them, even though they are intriguingly poofy.
While one can get away with a slight poke (the padding prevents
the wearer from feeling anything subtle), such actions are
frowned upon and you will be shunned socially.
Also, griping excessively about the dropping temperature (known
as “cold”) will not garner sympathy, but rather
hearty and uncreative ridicule, along with laughter and finger
-pointing.
If you find you have not packed enough “heavy”
clothes, or if you only have clothes that pass for “heavy”
if the temperature doesn’t drop below 50 degrees, don’t
panic. When a 15-degree day hits, simply put on every article
of clothing you own and jump up and down once outside.
If this is still not enough, douse yourself in hot chocolate.