How to validate your part-time instructor’s existence
Many
students become disenchanted when they learn about the shabby
treatment of the part-time staff at SAIC. Struggling grad
students and peppy young undergrads alike are affected by
the school’s ungrateful attitude towards its nurturing
and intelligent professors. Even the most passionate and talented
artist-professor combination may be weighted down with existentialist
quandaries in a swirling vortex of shaky self-worth during
class, causing them to abandon their students in search of
an institution that offers a more satiating salary. Do not
panic. There are other ways to recognize a teacher’s
tireless efforts.
Macramé is a highly respected and appreciated art form within Chicago’s cultural elite.
Nothing validates a whole semester of grading papers or heading silent, maddening critiques like a piece of paper with macaroni noodles glued to it. Time-tested favorites include mostaccioli in the shape of a heart, macaronistick figures representing both teacher and student, and Munch’s “The Scream” in colored wagon wheels. Most teachers will find immediate and long lasting gratification from a card soaked in glue and pasta because it was you who made it special.
Another way to say “thank you” can be by, simply, showing your intelligence.
Demonstrating the skills learned exclusively through a specific professor is unconditionally satisfying to them. With the impressive vocabulary and critical thinking skills that your past literature and philosophy teachers have instilled in you, you can now explain to them exactly why they are expendable and how you are powerless in their defense, but with supreme articulation. The knowledge that they’ve properly instructed a generation of SAIC students to be fluent in rhetoric and semantics without practical application is incredibly gratifying to the average teacher.
Protecting your locker against theft
Toward the end of the semester, well-mannered art students may notice themselves acting less than pious in the midst of prolonged pasta diets and dwindling resources. Some tight-fisted artists may use their creativity to cunningly lift tubes of paint and cans of turpenoid from lightly guarded lockers. One way to counter petty thievery is by placing a padlock on your locker and to be on alert when your coveted supplies are invitingly spread out during painting class. But a far more satisfying way to ensure that your student-quality art supplies remain faithful specifically to you is to unleash an onslaught of wanton violence on the alleged thief.
Homicide may seem, initially, as an ideal way to prevent future break-ins –– this is correct. The shrewd observer will note that a burglar, once dead, can burgle no longer. Once a thief is killed, the cycle of crime will come to a halt. However, there are precautions to follow. Justifying murder in exchange for the safety of your materials may prove to be difficult, but many are surprised at how lenient the law can be when elements of warm, cartoonish violence are part of your maliciousness. Booby traps of the springloading, javelin-projecting variety are a universally light-hearted way to brutally disfigure somone.
Crushing a suspected thief with a dangling player piano is
crowd-pleasing, but not recommended. An art student most likely
cannot afford a player piano and would ironically have to
resort to thievery.
If the thought of murder is questionable to a good-natured art student, do not fret; utilizing animal cruelty is an equally effective defense against injustice. Most naturally non-aggressive animals will change their tune when stuffed in a confining, perpetually dark, thinner-filled space such as a supplies locker. Most frequently abused is the cinereous vulture, which is well known for being a quiet and reserved scavenger in its natural habitat, but an unwieldy, psychotic killing machine in the painter’s locker. This is not without repercussion. If the locker is never vandalized, you are left with an angry raptor in your locker. A ferocious cinereous vulture will indiscriminately go bird-of-prey on whoever’s ass opens the door, so confide in a friend to open it for you.